Faith Journey

"Faith Journey" for me is my total life experience with God, how I came to know Him (Father, Son, & Holy Spirit) and how I interacted with Him throughout my life. It is a testimony of my relationship with God.

My faith journey has its roots in my father's and mother's faith. My father's parents were married in the Presbyterian Church in George, Iowa. Dad never spoke about attending the Presbyterian church. Any memory would have been remote, since his mother died when he was seven years old in 1920. When his father remarried in 1921, he was baptized Catholic along with his father and his siblings. His stepmother was brought up in a devout Catholic family and was determined to raise her entire family in the Catholic faith. Soon my dad was enrolled in Catholic school where he was indoctrinated with the Baltimore Catechism and brought into the Catholic culture by the nuns. As result, he attended mass on Sundays and knew the basics of the Catholic faith. He married my mother in the rectory of a Catholic parish in Yuma, Arizona, in 1941 because my mother was not yet baptized. In those days a Catholic church wedding was reserved for baptized Catholic couples. Mom and dad were committed enough to follow the Catholic rules.

My mother's parents, John & Nellie Scherer, were married on the family farm by a Presbyterian minister, Nellie's brother. They were both brought up in strong protestant families, but they didn't keep the rules by meeting at dances (forbidden by their churches) before being married. When they left the Midwest for California, they stopped attending church. My mother didn't attend church either and was a self-proclaimed “heathen” until she met my father and decided to become a Catholic. Ironically, even though he was brought up Catholic, he was much less serious about the faith than my mother, but he attended Church regularly. Shortly after their wedding, mom took instructions from the priest at Holy Innocents in Long Beach and was baptized before my sister, Zoe, was born in 1942. From her 1941 baptism until she died in 2012, mom was an on-fire convert to the Catholic faith.

Once we were old enough to attend school, my sisters and I were enrolled at St. Bernard's Catholic School in Bellflower where we, like my dad, were indoctrinated with the Baltimore Catechism and introduced to the Catholic culture by the Sisters of St. Joseph of Orange. Our family attended mass on Sundays and we observed all the Catholic traditions. I was intrigued by my teacher's name, Sister Tarcisius, and learned about St. Tarcisius and his devotion to the Eucharist. I learned the Catechism answers and how to pray to the saints and would receive my first communion a few years later.

When our family moved to Fresno in 1951, mom and dad enrolled us in Our Lady of Victory School. The Sisters of St. Joseph of Carondelet continued to instruct us in the Catholic faith. Even the textbooks were Catholic in content written and printed by Catholic publishers. The nuns were strict, but they also were great examples of dedication to God by their everyday lives. By 1952 my class was prepared for our first confession and communion. I vividly recall a special encounter with Jesus in the Eucharist after special preparations. I had never felt such a personal connection with God. The following year (third grade), I had my favorite teacher, Sister Mary Benedict. She was demanding, loving, and down-to-earth. She would lovingly insist that all students do their best work. She pushed me to my limit. When she noticed that I didn't have many friends, she encouraged me to befriend Tom, a new student from Brooklyn. We were close friends throughout grammar school. Soon, Tom and I were serving Mass on Sundays and at the convent early in the mornings. I was impressed by the basic faith of the Irish pastor, Fr. McGovern, who seemed so absorbed in the Mass. Later on, I became captain of the altar boys. When one of my teachers assigned a class project on vocations, I wrote to seminaries for literature on becoming a priest. By the time I was in seventh grade, I had forgotten about the vocation project. Then, Fr. Larry, a Salesian priest, spoke to our class and fired up my imagination about working in Boys Clubs and attending the seminary. My parents let me sign up for a summer trip with my friend, Tom, and a few others from our school to tour the Salesian seminary, a summer camp, and a Boys Club. After the trip, as I started eighth grade, I was hoping to attend the seminary in Richmond to start high school. My mom was all in favor of having a potential priest in the family.

By Christmas, my family faced a new challenge. My dad's aircraft factory in Fresno had closed and he had taken a new job in Santa Clara. My mom was excited by the move because we would be near the Santa Clara Mission and a Carmelite Monastery. My sisters and I would face a special challenge: leaving Catholic schools for public ones. I made new friends and enjoyed the adventure of a new school without nuns. My mom started volunteering at the Carmelite monastery and teaching CCD in  the monastery barn to kids attending my public school. Once summer vacation arrived, Fr. Larry invited me to another whirlwind tour of the seminary and a summer camp. Back in Santa Clara I would attend daily Mass with my mom and sometimes Vespers at the monastery. Within a few weeks, Fr. Larry met with me and my parents about signing up for the seminary. My dad wasn't sure that I was old enough to make such a big decision, but he relented after Fr. Larry's spiel and pressure from my mom. I submitted my application in late July.

When I left home for the seminary, I was on a spiritual high. I wanted to become a good, holy, spirited priest, a kind of mix between the Irish pastor and Fr. Larry. I was surprised that many of my classmates were not so serious, but I focused on my dream. My own emerging sexuality and very restrictive superiors stifled my enthusiasm. The biggest blow, though, came when I was sexually abused by one of the Salesian brothers. It was a single incident, but it was earth-shaking for me. I went into an emotional, psychological, and spiritual tailspin. I couldn’t entirely let go of the goal that brought me to the seminary, but I found that my humanity was falling far short of the ideal. I finally made up my mind during my senior year of high school to try one last time to reach for the ideal once again. I directed all my will power and prayer life towards this goal.

The results of my stubborn plan amazed me when I was approved to go the novitiate. I thought I might be rejected because I had not been a very exemplary seminarian for several years. My senior year had been a radical improvement. I was on another spiritual high when my classmates and I jumped on a train to New York City. My spiritual life has challenged and improved during the novitiate. We had plenty of time to pray, meditate, read spiritual books, and concentrate on becoming Salesians. I shared my sexual abuse experience for the first time with the Provincial. I heard that the brother who had abused me had left the order. I was able to forgive him and leave him for the Lord to judge and put the incident behind me. I remained spiritually strong throughout college, remaining close to God although much of my spiritual life had become very routine. When I was assigned to St. Francis High School (junior seminary), I felt ambivalent. I really wanted to work in a normal high school, but I thought the seminary atmosphere would help me spiritually. The demands of working in a boarding school situation were immense. I had little time for the spiritual life. I followed the regimen of spiritual practices but was overwhelmed by the daily workload. After two years of this, I was relieved when I was assigned to Salesian High School in Richmond, a “normal” high school.

I was somewhat shocked about how many of the priests and brothers did as they pleased in the new community. They seemed more interested in having a good time for themselves than in serving the students at the high school. I was enjoying the freedom from the rigorous life at St. Francis and began to enjoy life with them. Our daily religious practices were somewhat the same as St. Francis, but it seemed that many in the community did not have their heart in it. Slowly I, too, became less serious. As time went on, I felt I could be a better Christian away from that environment. I felt like I was being dragged down by the community that was supposed to support and lift me up. I began to think of having a wife and family and of starting a new life. When the school year ended, I was supposed to attend a school of theology somewhere. This would have been the last step to the priesthood, but I simply wasn’t ready. I wanted more time to think it over and I wanted to take another look at what life outside of religious life might hold, so I asked the Provincial for at least a year off. I think several others must have just asked him the same question (1970 was one of the record years for priests and religious leaving the priesthood and religious life). He seemed almost disgusted and suggested that I apply for a dispensation from my vows. I think he was cynical that I would ever return. Somewhat shocked and insulted, I accepted his advice.

I remember praying intensely about starting a new life. I prayed for an opportunity to examine what the world had to offer and was open to wherever the Lord might lead me. The librarian’s job at Wheatland and an apartment in Yuba City fell into my hands. I continued to attend Church regularly and became involved in the local parish. I volunteered to be the CYO basketball coach. I met my wife, Barbara, at church then later at the apartment complex where we coincidentally both lived. We were married in her parish in Auburn. Our motto was printed on our wedding invitation: We Are One (John 17:22). Our marriage would always include God as a partner. Barbara’s mom and dad were very committed Catholics. As our children grew up, we became involved in Church activities that involved them. We opened a preschool during the 9:00 Mass to provide an outlet for the preschoolers and some relief for their parents. While our children attended the Catholic school, I ran the annual father/daughter and father/son banquets. Barbara and I participated in Marriage Encounter for several years. We also attended Charismatic prayer meetings. I became a mentor for a four-year theology program, Institute of Lay Theology, sponsored by the University of the South. Following that I taught sixth grade CCD, then became the Director of the RCIA. I also started a Farm Workers Ministry and was appointed Capital Campaign Director for our new parish hall.

My faith was strengthened after I left the seminary because I learned to stand on my own two feet without the support of the community. Sometimes I felt dragged down by routine, perfunctory religious practice when I was with the Salesians. Much of that could have been a 60’s thing since the entire Church was in such turmoil. Providentially, I met Barbara, who had a good foundation and firm commitment to the faith. As our children came along, we wanted what was best for them, which we believed to be a strong foundation in the Catholic faith. We sacrificed to send them to Catholic school, finding out later that they were receiving very poor, confused religious education (commonplace during these years). Some of our children still struggle with the Catholic faith because of their parochial school experience or lack of it and the influences of our culture.

For Barbara and me the Marriage Encounter experience deepened our faith and our marriage. Then our involvement with the Charismatic movement taught us how to be open to the Holy Spirit, how to love Holy Scripture, and how to know Jesus in a personal way. We also developed close friends who experimented with us in forming Christian community. We even subdivided a plot of land with friends to try to establish family community living. The experiment yielded us a safe, Christian neighborhood. The ideal community eluded us. Our charismatic experiences were confusing at times because of the overemphasis on certain spiritual gifts and it appealed to some member’s egos including my own. The Charismatic movement was in sharp relief to my experience with the theology program (University of the South). In some ways it was like a wet blanket because examining the origins of the scripture (authorship, redactors, inspiration, etc.) was in conflict with my charismatic excitement for the message and call of the Word. The theology program helped calm my charismatic impulses and helped my faith journey with Barbara because she was not as swept away as I was.  I continued to try balancing academic theology and charismatic leanings.

After a terrible ski accident in 2004 I began to listen to Catholic Radio and to watch EWTN when I couldn’t sleep. At first, I was taken back by the ready acceptance of authority and the magisterium, but the more I have moved in that direction, the more at peace I have become. I still have deep roots from my seminary days in critically questioning authority and in quickly dismissing magisterium. In retrospect, I don’t think I gave authority and magisterium a fair chance in my seminary days. I now readily accept the teaching of Humanae Vitae whose wisdom I once questioned fundamentally, even though Barbara and I struggled with it as we had our seven children. The RCIA classes I taught with Barbara were grounded in scripture and in the Catechism of the Catholic Church. I was involved with a group of Catholic men in a Bible-study, Scripture-sharing group for over 15 years. Barbara and I participated in Eucharistic adoration at least monthly and pushed for more adoration opportunities at our parish in Yuba City (St. Isidore’s) when we lived there. I also organized and directed a daily Eucharistic service at 6:30am especially during Lent at St. Isidore’s for those who could not attend daily Mass. This was a great blessing because it offered Barbara and me an opportunity to read and meditate on the Word of God daily, to receive the Holy Eucharist, and to pray a daily rosary.

My faith journey has gone full circle from the basic, traditional form I learned at home and which we learned in Richmond as junior seminarians and in Newton as novices, to a liberated, confused, disoriented faith of the 60s and 70s, and now back to the basic, traditional form. Our faith was challenged when we moved to Sacramento. After leaving so many activities at St. Isidore’s, we searched for a parish and Catholic community where we could share our talents. We found a daily Mass at St. Philomene’s in Sacramento where we could attend before we commuted to work in Marysville and Wheatland. Shortly afterwards we discovered that the parish needed leaders in the RCIA group. We taught classes and sponsored catechumens once again. Then we became involved in the Saint Vincent de Paul Society, helping at the weekly Bounty meal for the needy in our parish, as well as helping the senior citizens in our condominium complex. We spent some time studying St. Teresa’s Interior Castle and considering membership in the Third Order Carmelites, but the meeting times conflicted with our RCIA involvements. My ski accident (five serious fractures on my left side and related surgery) brought pain, suffering, and challenging physical therapy. It also provided an opportunity for spiritual growth and cleansing. It was during this time that I learned to appreciate what EWTN had to offer in basic Catholic teaching as I recovered from my injuries.

In 2005 I had the opportunity to be the ‘chief cook and bottle washer’ for my old college seminary professor, Fr. Occhio at the Carmelite monastery in Georgetown. Barbara was still teaching, so I was on my own, and Fr. Occhio was subjected to my cooking. We had a great time, and after dinner each evening, we recorded talks on the spirituality of St. Francis de Sales. This led to an opportunity to three years of service as caretakers at the Carmelite monastery where we learned and absorbed the Carmelite way of life. While there, we volunteered to lead the RCIA program at Barbara’s childhood parish, St. Joseph’s, in Auburn. This led to a major commitment to organizing the semperaltius.com website to include comprehensive, orthodox, Catholic information on whatever RCIA candidates might want to know.  At the monastery we had the privilege of cooking for and attending a retreat by Fr. Tom DuBay, one of the world’s experts on contemplation and on Carmelite spirituality. Our pilgrimages to the Carmelite headquarters in Rome in 2005 and to Avila and Lisieux in 2009 topped off our Carmelite experience. In 2009 we also made a pilgrimage to Fatima and Lourdes. In Fatima, I developed a special devotion to Saint Francisco, one of the shepherds who shared the vision of Mary. In Lourdes, Barbara and I were blessed by immersion in the baths of the miraculous water. Both experiences strengthened my devotion to our Mother Mary. We also had an opportunity to visit the birthplace of St. Ignatius Loyola, my confirmation patron saint.

Returning from the monastery to Sacramento, we continued to go to daily Mass to remain strong in our faith and we focused on being with our family as much as possible. We continued our involvement in the Right to Life movement by joining the Respect Life ministry at Sacred Heart and participating in the 40 Days for Life activities reciting the rosary in front of the abortion clinic and joining the annual Walk for Life in San Francisco. My focus is always on my motto, Semper Altius, Semper Melius, pro Deo et Proximo Nostro (always higher, always better, for God and for our Neighbor), in line with the two Great Commandments to love God and neighbor. Part of this focus took us to the Moral Values Program (MVP) where we taught students in the barrio and raised money for it to continue in existence.

Just when we were in a regular spiritual routine, we decided to move to Soledad in 2012 to pay off some debt. Unable to attend daily Mass, we watched the Mass on EWTN when time allowed. We helped at the local parish where I taught religion to some of the high school students. We also continued to attend the annual Walk for Life. When my mother died in September 2012, I was asked to give the eulogy. Her eulogy was a spiritual renewal for me, affirming what I had come to believe was important in our lives. Her life was the best testimony about how to do it right. I was determined to follow her example the best I could.

When we returned to Sacramento in 2014, we attended daily Mass again at Sacred Heart, rejoined the Respect for Life committee, started the parish involvement in the St. Vincent de Paul Society’s commitment to the homeless, and helped in various parish activities. We also helped catalog books and raised money for Easter’s Catholic Book and Gifts Store. When I met a grieving father there, I decided to help him write a book about his son who had died young from Batten’s Disease. We continued our routine and involvements until the end of 2016 when we moved to Paradise.

In Paradise we attended daily Mass until the Camp Fire hit. I joined the Knights of Columbus in its efforts to help the Pastor. Barbara joined the Ladies Guild. We worked together on Wednesdays to serve lunch to the poor. I led a Bible study, Unlocking the Mystery of the Bible, by Jeff Cavins. Then we joined a small parish renewal group in the Arise program. After the Camp Fire, we participated in daily Mass on EWTN. I continued with the Knights of Columbus as Grand Knight and Financial Secretary to keep brother Knights together in our parish challenged by the Camp Fire. My latest efforts are to keeping up the parish website, promoting Catholic resources on FORMED, and encouraging parishioners to purchase tiles for the Memorial Wall in the St. Thomas More Patio Garden. 

My quest continues to follow the legacy of my Mom and to remain faithful to my motto. I also follow Jeff Cavin's guide to sharing the Gospel (see below):

My Faith journey details how I have encountered God throughout my life. Every journey of faith is unique. God has always had a plan for each person to join His family in heaven. My hope is that we will all rejoice together as members of that family, share the unique way that we ended up there, and love God and one another together eternally.